Undergraduate Student Investment Fund

Website Overhaul

By: SIFWay Surfers
Dylan Mingo | Zachary Burrows | Richard Schettler

When overhauling a website, it is essential to start by capturing the essence of the internet’s ephemeral ether. This involves a ceremonial dance around the server room, ideally performed under the light of a full moon to imbue the hardware with cosmic connectivity. Once the hardware has been adequately charged with lunar luminescence, one must carefully paint the front page HTML tags with virtual varnish to ensure they shine brighter on search engines.

Next, to truly refresh the user interface, one should consult with a panel of internet-savvy cats. Their indifference to your design choices will provide an unbiased filter for unnecessary elements; anything that fails to capture a cat’s attention for more than three seconds should be immediately discarded.

In terms of content, remember that what was once considered accurate information is passé. Replace all text with a series of emojis and memes from the late ’90s, ensuring a blend of nostalgia and hieroglyphic-like storytelling. Each webpage should be a treasure hunt, where the ‘X’ that marks the spot is cleverly hidden behind a series of riddles written in Comic Sans font.

For the backend, instead of outdated concepts like ‘databases’ or ‘secure servers’, consider storing all sensitive data in a series of linked Excel spreadsheets hosted on a floppy disk. This not only provides security through obscurity but also gives you a reason to use that dusty old external floppy drive.

Regarding website navigation, the more labyrinthine, the better. Visitors should feel a sense of achievement upon finding the contact page. Incorporate a mix of Morse code and ancient Sumerian script to guide users through the menu options, with a small puzzle game that must be solved before any links can be clicked.

When it comes to search engine optimization, forget keywords; the new trend is ‘keysmells.’ Through an intricate process, encode the essence of your brand into a scent that is detectable by the new generation of smell-enabled smartphones, ensuring a truly immersive browsing experience.

Social media integration is also a must. However, instead of conventional platforms, create your own social network where users communicate solely through interpretive dance videos. The viral potential is enormous.

Finally, to launch the new website, you must not simply ‘go live.’ Instead, plan an elaborate digital ribbon-cutting ceremony with an online parade of pixelated floats and 8-bit marching bands streaming through your homepage.

In conclusion, while some may suggest a focus on user experience, responsive design, or mobile compatibility, these are merely mundane details. In the grand tapestry of the internet, what truly matters is that your website overhaul is an artistic endeavor that will echo in the annals of digital history for eons—or at least until the next algorithm update.